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ROOT RUN!

11.30.99

ROOT RUN begins as something of a quick zip around the westside but the riders will become so strong, so
fast, and so daring that the

ride will eventually grow into a weekly 3-hour century ride that blasts through the seedy underbelly of
Orange County before returning to

the start with a stack of new phone numbers in each of our pockets. Art schools will start calling
ROOT RUNners to offer us money to ride

to their campuses so that students of sculpture and painting can attempt the godly act of recreating our
thighs and calves for posterity from

blocks of marble and on canvas in preparation for the redecoration of the sistine chapel's ceiling.
Surfers all up and down the coast will

dread our approach because the gyroscopic disruption of our collective wheel-spinning glory will create
tidal shifts that are catastrophic,

not only to their day in the water, but to entire generations of sea-life. The leader of the pack will be
called Moses because he will push wind

so hard for those man enough to stay in his draft that the red sea of smog hovering over the LA area
will part, allowing glorious sunshine

and the fresh smell of pure oxygen to grace our streets every thursday morning following the ROOT
RUN. Our lungs will be so efficient

that the same clean air will be as thin as in the highest points of the Himalayas and therefore all athletes
in the area will experience a weekly

boost in their training due to simulated high altitude. Thus, the dodgers will win the world series due to
their superior fitness, aided by the

nutritional benefits of Gogi berries which will suddenly begin to spring up all over the city. We will get
bored of riding through Orange County

every wednesday so we will start pedaling to Phoenix and back alongside bentstrider's 18-wheeler.
Then, one night we'll get bored of that

and decide to ride to San Francisco only to get really fucking pissed off when we find out that they won't
let us ride the trolly back... so we'll

all yoke up and tow the bitch. Then all the bike messengers and wannabes in SF will get really pissed
off that we took their trolly and they'll

come down here to beat us up but by the time they arrive [on the first saturday after the third friday of
the month (C.R.A.N.K. MOB

weekend)] they'll find it fully converted into the awesomest CRANK MOBILE evar and they'll wind up
smack in the middle of so much EFF

YOU ENN that they'll run around trying to sell their city to us for $2 but we'll all know that the same
money could be better spent on a tall

can.



Wednesday Nights @ 8:30pm

Start @ Ocean and Montana in Santa Monica.

Maintain speeds of 25-85 mph for a minimum of 35 miles between stops.

End @ Ocean and Montana or a bar somewhere else in Santa Monica.

Spread the envy with a new ROOT every week.



This week: welcome female ROOT RUNners!


Posted by Undercover Bob
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