Lance 2010
Thread started by
MaryZeiser at 10.7.09 - 10:31 am
EXCLUSIVE: Armstrong Announces 90% Completion Toward Transformation Into Huge Nerd
10.7.2009 | 10:28 am
A Note from Fatty: I have Very Important News today, but first I want to call attention to the fact that my friends at Twin Six are having their Four Day October Sale. 2009 T-shirts are just $16. 2008 T-shirts are $6.00. 2009 jerseys are down to $45, and 2008 Jerseys are just $35. And that’s not all!
Twin Six is also launching nearly all of the T-shirts from their 2010 collection, and putting most of them up at just $20. The others they’re calling PROTO’s, which are just $12. These are 100% perfectly great and brand new fresh-off-the-printer t-shirts. The reason they’re marked down to $12 is because of small changes Twin Six is making to them — graphic placement, slight color revision, etc. Absolutely perfect otherwise.
The sale ends at midnight Central Standard Time on Friday, October 10/9. Take a few minutes to dig around.
ST. LOUIS (Fat Cyclist Fake News Service) - Lance Armstrong, seven-time Tour de France champion, announced today that he is now 90% of the way to the completion point of becoming a huge nerd.
“Yesterday, when I tweeted my new partnership with Michelob Ultra, I crossed a major Huge Nerd milestone: 90%,” said the surprisingly geeky cycling great. “Only 10% more to go, and my transformation will be complete.”
“While some may not immediately grasp the nerdliness of this announcement,” continued Armstrong, “once you get a feel for exactly what the Michelob Ultra line consists of, you’ll totally see exactly how dweeby I can be.”
According to the Michelob Ultra site’s Product Info page, Michelob Ultra (which Michelob always all-caps, but this news release will not, because THAT’S VERY ANNOYING) in addition to a lager and amber, contains three dorky, fruity drinks. They are described on the product site as follows:
Michelob ULTRA Lime Cactus: A fruit-infused light pilsner with natural lime flavor and a floral essence derived from the cactus.
Michelob ULTRA Pomegranate Raspberry: A pilsner with a berry aroma, raspberry flavor, and a hint of pomegranate.
Michelob ULTRA Tuscan Orange Grapefruit: A pilsner with fresh juicy orange notes and a slight pink-grapefruit finish.
“Yes,” said Armstrong, “I really am acting as the product spokesman for beverages with ‘juicy orange notes, floral essences, and hints of pomegranate.”
Armstrong then executed a snorting laugh, hiked his pants up high above his waist — the cuffs now well above his ankles — and pulled out his Blackberry, at which poinnt he Tweeted, “Just did a snorty laugh and hiked my pants high above my waist.”
Trend Toward Nerditude
“With the Ultra announcement, I have increased my nerditude quotient by 30%,” said the increasingly geeky cycling legend. “My first big move in this direction was of course when I began Tweeting pretty much everything I do.“
“That, however, only brought me to 15%. A mere taste of the nerdvana I hope to obtain. My next — and I think most inspired — move toward absolute geektasticness was to secure cycling sponsorship from RadioShack.”
RadioShack, it should be noted, has won the award for “Nerdiest Store in America” every year since 1921, and does a brisk business in DIY robot kits, radio-controlled cars, and strobe lights.
“The RadioShack sponsorship was huge,” continued Armstrong, “bringing me all the way up to 60% on the Alfred E Neuman Nerditude Appearance Scale (AENNAS).
“But,” said the well-known advocate for cancer research, his voice growing serious, “I knew I could be more nerdly still. And that’s why I’ve chosen to back some of the dopiest-sounding drinks I’ve ever heard of in my life.”
“And I’m not done yet,” said the racing icon, his eyes flashing. “Nor will I be, until I am 100% nerdly.”
What’s Next
At this point of the announcement, Armstrong revealed a poster showing the following image:
“As you can see, I am a visionary nerd,” said the visibly-proud Armstrong. “In addition to my recent partnerships with Michelob Ultra and RadioShack — by the way, I’m very pleased to announce the upcoming TRS-80 Model 2010, which will be released in concert with the 2010 Tour de France — I am leveraging my existing partnerships to help increase my goofiness.”
“Oakley, for example,” will soon be releasing the following new glasses:”
“We’re still working out the details,” said Armstrong, “but in addition to the high-quality optics for which Oakley is known, there will be Oakley-branded tape holding the frame together. We are tentatively calling the material this ultra-low-weight, high-strength material this tape is made of ‘Electrotapium.”
“I am also proud to announce that I am working with Nike to create a new line of off-the-bike wear, consisting entirely of wicking polyester pants, designed to wrinkle, ride up high around the crotch, and just barely graze the top of your shoe when you stand still, showing generous flashes of sock when you walk.”
“It is my contention that these two products, when released later this year, will easily boost my goober factor by the 10% I need,” asserted Armstrong.
“This,” concluded the father of four, “will enable me to embarrass my children as thoroughly as any other father in America.”
Nobody Armstrong has ever met was available for comment.
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